When I was 12, our family lived with my widowed
grandmother. One summer day, while my
mother and my grandmother were away at work my father sent my sister and
brothers outside to play. They were
given strict instructions not to come back in the house until he gave them
permission. While they went out to play,
I stayed in the house to finish my chores and my father told me he was going to
go take a bath.
A little while later, my father called out to me and told
he wanted to see me. I walked into the
bedroom and found him sitting naked, on the bed. He told me to sit on the bed beside him. As he started talking to me, his breathing
changed, and then he pushed me back on the bed and took my clothes off me.
His breathing was heavy, and he told me that
he needed to teach me something very important.
He told me that if any boy or man tried to touch me the way he was
touching me that it was wrong and that I should not allow it.
The events that took place after he removed my clothes will
be forever seared into my memory; from the beginning of the attack until he was
through. When it was over, he told me to
clean the bedspread to get rid of any evidence of what had taken place. Getting rid of the evidence didn’t mean it
was over; there was still the memory for me to deal with.
Afterward, I was so confused, scared, repulsed, and
afraid. He kept telling me over and over
that I could never tell anyone what had happened. He told me if I ever told anyone, he would
get into a lot of trouble. I could sense
that his fear of getting into trouble made him angry and his anger was
something I wanted to avoid at all cost.
I soon realized that there was no help for what had just
happened, but my bigger concern was finding a way to keep it from happening
again.
Finding a way to keep it from happening again was
exhausting; living day to day trying to out think every possible scenario where
I might find myself in the same situation and trying to stay out of his reach,
constantly weighed heavily in every decision I made.
There were others; the college boy who asked to take me ice
skating, the father of the children where I babysat, the teacher at school, the
man at the public swimming pool, the boss at work. I questioned my worth and wondered why these
men kept showing up in my life. Was I
putting out some sort of signal that attracted these events in my life? I kept asking, “where was God in all of this,”
because he certainly didn’t seem to hear me when I cried for help.
I was wrong. God was
there every step of the way. God was
waiting for me to find my voice. I found
it when I was 18 years old.
I was tired of carrying the shame, guilt and humiliation of
my father’s secret and one day I had had enough; it was time to speak my
truth. To my surprise, every single fear
I had carried with me since that summer day when I was 12 years old did not
come true. The world did not open up and
swallow me, God did not strike me dead and my father had no power over me.
I soon realized that finding my voice was not enough. Sharing what I had been through was not
enough. While talking about it brought
it out into the open, the memories were full of thoughts, feelings and emotions
that ego uses to keep us trapped in the belief of our low self-worth. It was like drowning in a soup full of
thoughts, feelings and emotions where sometimes you find a way to keep your
head above the soup but too often you keep getting pulled under. I wanted out of the soup.
I also realized that there were too many times when I did
not see the value in who I was because I allowed the experiences in my life to
measure my value and my self-worth. This
led me to discover the “inner me.” The “inner me” was sabotaging my belief
about how I should show up in the world.
As I continued to understand the value of “me” I stopped believing what
others told me would happen if I use my voice, and started trusting my
intuition.
I am not what
happened to me, I am what I choose to become. ~ Carl Jung
There is one thing that I am absolutely sure of, every
person has value and it’s your belief in your value that arrives just a few
seconds before you speak, who you see in your mirror and how you present
yourself to the world.
Your value exists inside the love you have for yourself.
You have the inner strength you need to choose self-love
over self-doubt. I know this because I’ve
done it and I continue to do this. If you’re
having challenges choosing self-love over self-doubt I’d be honored to share my
strength with you while you are finding your way out of the soup.
Nancy
Mueller ~ Life Empowerment Sensei